Just a few thoughts

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Friday, December 13, 2013

Growth, Change, Endings & Beginnings (A post I wrote back in the spring)

 I'm not even proof-reading this, really, just skimming it. It annoys me to have drafts saved, so here it is, what I was going through earlier this year, and why I was MIA for so long (or at least part of the reason).

I've realized  recently that part of my problem is that I can't learn more from my books right now. I've been pouring through some of my books for a while now, trying to figure out what it is that I'm missing, with no luck. Books have always been a comfort for me, even when I knew I couldn't really get anything more from them. I'm a total book junkie and I'm well on my way to living in a library, and I spend basically every moment possible with my nose in a book. I digress (I'm terrible for that).

I've spent a long time worrying about the "right" way to do things and other things like that, and usually when I think I'm past thinking that way, something new will come up. A perfect example is my current situation.

Spent years figuring out that I'm Pagan. Just Pagan, not a recon, Wiccan, etc., and a Witch. Well, I knew the Witch part for ages. I was so focused on labels for so long, I nearly forgot why I was drawn into Paganism in the first place. I lost myself while trying to label myself. And why? So I could throw out a couple of words to let others know what I believe? I really don't know.  But now, here I am once again doing the same darn thing. I'm feeling pulled towards the Norse Gods and what do I do? Start looking for a way around it, or a label to stick on it. On top of that, I've been panicking trying to figure out how to approach Them because it's new territory for me. Really, you would think that after having spent time with Egyptian, Greek, and various Celtic Gods/Goddesses, I would have no problem with this. But for some unknown reason, the Norse still intimidate me.

It's like a kid  going to one of the Disney places and seeing their favorite character, but being too shy or afraid to run over and actually "meet" the character.  Ok, it's not quite the same thing, but I think it's a similar feeling. I was that kid (only it wasn't Disney) and while I was thrilled to see one of my favorite TV characters in person, I was too  shy and scared to say "Hi." That's kind of how I'm feeling now. I'm odd that way. I've always been pretty shy at first, for whatever reason.

Anyway... Instead of just going for it, I've spent months trying to rationalize why I'm feeling called by the Norse Gods. But, I also feel like it's an old group of friends trying to convince me to hang out again because we haven't seen each other in ages. So while I think it's pretty new (the Norse in my life), at the same time it feels almost like I'm being called home. So many Pagans describe learning about Paganism as "coming home," and while I felt that way, too, this is almost like a repeat of that experience, but even more intense.

 I wrote this post months ago, but I never published because it felt unfinished. Well, last night (the 27th of May), I had a sort of epiphany. Truth be told, I've had a few recently about all of this, but I haven't sat down to sort it all out in my head. I've come to the conclusion that I'm drawn to what I'm drawn to for a reason and it's really no one's business but my own. I can choose to share (as I do from time to time here), but I'm NOT obligated to proclaim everything I believe to the world. There are no "Pagan Police" to come along and get me for not being "Pagan enough," or anything else like that, and I'm sure in time the reasons for at least some of this will become clearer.

In the meantime, I think I'll stop worrying about WHY I'm feeling pulled towards the things I am, and just see where it takes me. I'm so tired of trying to please other people in every aspect of my life. If I step on some toes, that's too bad. I don't mean to offend anyone or be disrespectful, but I can't exactly change what I continue to feel drawn to. So why should I even try?

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