I'm not sure what's been going on with me lately. Maybe it has something to do with the HPV and possible cancer scare and all that, maybe it's just my spiritual development, but I've been changing a lot over the past few months. By the way, just to update:
I had a colposcopy and they did find a spot on my cervix. A biopsy was taken and I just got the results back, and I'm fine.
I started feeling like something was changing a few months ago. Maybe October, maybe earlier. It really hit me in the face when I was in a shop in the nearest mall with my BFF. We were sort of shopping, but mostly I was lusting after all the nifty stuff I couldn't buy lol. I like that store. It's the closest thing to an “open minded” atmosphere anywhere around here. A few Green Man things distracted me and I found myself drifting towards them for a closer look. It was like a magnetic pull and I couldn't even turn my eyes away. Something about that moment and seeing an image of the God caused a voice in my head or spirit or something to, not so much hear but sense the idea that the male aspects of Deity are going to be making a reappearance in my life soon. I haven't intentionally excluded the male aspect from my life, I've tried several times to find a connection, it just wasn't there. I think that's normal for people. Sometimes you need the Goddess more, sometimes you need the God more. So, instead of being frustrated I decided to bide my time and see what happened.
With our lack of internet over the past few weeks, I've submerged myself in books once more. In 2011 I read around 80, give or take a few. This year, I've already put away 11 (not a record or anything, but last year I hadn't read 10 by April lol) and something about some of what I've been reading has been nudging some concept in my subconscious (like Soldier of the Mist and Soldier of Arete). Even my tastes in food is changing. This is so frustrating trying to pin down exactly what's going on and even more so to try to explain it. It's like you're driving down the road and you know your turn is coming up soon, but you don't know which side of the road it's on or how far away it is, you just know it's there ahead, somewhere. Maybe you don't even have any idea why you're going there, or what your destination is, or what you'll find when you arrive. But once you do, you know you'll understand everything that's been eluding you on this particular road, if that makes sense.
I had a “cosmic frying pan to the head” moment twice this past week. The first concerned the “entity” that was here when we moved in and an event that occurred something like 3 years ago. I won't go into details, it isn't that fascinating. The second involved the three-way crossroads. Hekate's Crossroads, if you know what I'm talking about. I hadn't put much thought into the symbolism of that until that moment, probably because I had no idea what the hell a three-way crossroads was until I looked it up on my phone. I should have known what it was, but I just didn't think about it too much. When I saw an image, it hit me. A weird mash up of thoughts of my own and Robert Frost's poem The Road Not Taken suddenly exploded in my head and I realized that it might refer to when our life reaches a crossroads where there are three options. Stay put and die, or choose a road.
Now these roads may not be like Mr. Frost's, with one being more traveled and the other not traveled as often, and therefore more difficult, but they will more than likely lead you in different directions. The end result might be the same, but the journeys will not be.
I have no idea why that struck me like it did, or why it happened then, and I couldn't even begin to write about all my thoughts concerning the matter. To most people, it was probably something obvious and I'm probably an idiot for not thinking more about it. Anyway, I'm just in a blogging mood tonight.
I think my tarot cards are going to attack me again soon if I don't pull them out. Usually at the beginning of the year I do a life spread, but this year I couldn't even force myself to do it. I knew that my results would be off because of the stress I was under, so I put it off. I decided to do it after my colposcopy, but that got pushed to the end of this month, and then they found the spot. Even though I'm not worried about it very much, it just doesn't seem right to do a reading like that at this time. I swear I can almost feel my cards screaming obscenities at me each time I pass them, and I'm sure our reunion will be tear filled and poetic, but for now they are staying put until my head is clear enough to not skew my reading and see nothing but bad omens in every image.
Until next time lovies, hoping your lives are filled with awesomeness and joy.